The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
