i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
