i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
