She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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