did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
