Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
