did you get engaged???
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
