people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
