my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
