Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.