I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Randomize
