i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
