Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
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And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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