as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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