dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
