there's paper in my vomit.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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