I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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