If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
