sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Enjoy the penises
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
