I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
