Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize