She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
