I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
