i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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