If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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