I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
