summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
The Olympian is in my bed
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
