if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
