I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
