How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
