i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Sext me about skeletons
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
