I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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