Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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