In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
