Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
