I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
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I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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