Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
