i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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