I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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