I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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