We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
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After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way