My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.