rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.