I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
