I like to think it a success when the cops are called
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
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He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
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Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.