Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
