3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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