so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
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She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.