I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
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He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
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I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga