How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Is it penis luge time yet?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
