i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
