just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
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