just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
