you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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