I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
