mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
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Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Everyone says I win the strip club
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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