why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
