I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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