Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
