Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
