listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
