This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
