I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
