Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
